


With or Without: You

by yeonidyllic



Series: With or Without [1]
Category: Golden Child (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:07:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29483448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeonidyllic/pseuds/yeonidyllic
Summary: That one night, Joochan should be home. Donghyun cried much, yet Joochan never go home. Not today, and never will.(Two chapters here were the same story. One in English and one in Bahasa.)
Relationships: Bong Jaehyun/Kim Jibeom, Hong Joochan/Kim Donghyun
Series: With or Without [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2165610
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	1. Bahasa.

**Author's Note:**

> This might suck, but I've tried.
> 
> (English is at chapter 2)

Hari ini bukan hari yang bagus. Donghyun menemukan dirinya kembali bangun dengan mata yang sembab, jejak air mata mengering pada kedua belah pipinya. _Sudah empat bulan ya... Empat_ bulan serasa kematian bagi Donghyun. Lukanya harusnya mengering, tapi malah semakin lebar. Rasa-rasanya jaringan tubuhnya menolak menutup luka yang sudah terbuka terlalu lebar itu. Donghyun mungkin butuh _jahitan_. Sedikit benang untuk menutup rebak yang merekah.

Harusnya... Harusnya bukan begini penghujung kisahnya. Klimaks cerita yang mungkin dia dambakan tidak akan pernah terjadi dan bab terakhir ditulis dengan sendu dan air mata.

Orang cenderung merasakan kesengsaraan dunia seutuhnya seiring berjalannya waktu, tapi Donghyun merasa dia sudah mengecap semua pahit, getirnya air yang harus dia minum.

Kim, ah— Hong Donghyun, dalam usia pernikahannya yang ke-lima belas bulan, harus merelakan pasangannya _pergi_.

Donghyun memeluk dirinya sendiri. Akhir-akhir ini semuanya terasa buram. Aktivitasnya sehari-hari hanya rutinitas baginya. Hambar, Donghyun tidak lagi melakukan semuanya dengan antusiasme. Semakin banyak waktu terjaga yang dia habiskan, maka rasanya ingatannya justru semakin mengingat setiap kenangan yang pernah dia lalui.

Memikirkan _nya_ lagi membuat hatinya pedih. Donghyun bergerak menarik dirinya dari atas ranjang ke dalam kamar mandi. Dia tidak mau bergerak, tapi harus memaksakan dirinya bergerak. Berdiam saja akan menenggelamkan dirinya dalam duka. Donghyun _mau tidak mau_ harus berjalan terus. Dia perlu _berpindah_. Move on, Jaehyun bilang.

Sialan.

**;**

Langit mendung dan gelap. Dengan lampu kamar yang temaram, Donghyun menunggu, terus menunggu. Dia akan pulang. Seharusnya begitu. Donghyun menyimpan surat itu di atas nakas, tempat dia biasanya meletakkan barang-barangnya.

Donghyun melihat keluar jendela. Kosong dan sepi. Waktu semakin malam, tapi dia tidak juga kembali. Mendadak ia mulai merasa tidak enak. Sesuatu terjadi. _Bagaimana kalau sesuatu terjadi?_ Perutnya bergejolak. Donghyun secara tidak sadar mulai menangis. Awan mendung kelabu, menggambarkan keadaan hatinya.

Ia menangis beberapa lama sebelum mendengar sesuatu. Secercah harapan buatnya. _Dia pulang, kan? Donghyun_ berlari keluar kamar dan melihat dengan jelas. Pintu rumah terbuka, dan itu benar dia. _Dia yang ditunggunya._

Tanpa ragu dia melemparkan dirinya sendiri dalam pelukan. "Kamu—" Donghyun bergumam di tengah isakannya.

"Donghyunie, Donghyunie." Ujar yang lain sembari mengecupi puncak kepalanya. Donghyun menangis semakin keras. Air matanya mengalir deras, mengiringi pelukan yang semakin erat. Donghyun mendongakkan kepalanya, membawa suaminya itu dalam sebuah pagutan lembut. Ia melingkarkan kedua tangannya pada bahu pasangannya, membebankan _seluruhnya_ pada pria itu.

Donghyun tidak mau melepaskannya— tidak mau. Bahkan jika ada yang memaksanya, Donghyun tidak mau melepaskannya.

Tapi dia direngut dari pada Donghyun. Bahkan tidak ada selamat tinggal.

**;**

Harusnya dia pulang. Harusnya dia ada bersamanya di rumah. Harusnya Donghyun bisa memeluknya terus-menerus. Harusnya Donghyun bisa menikmati momen yang sudah ditunggu-tunggu sejak lama itu. Harusnya Donghyun bisa menikmati waktu bersamanya lebih lama lagi. Harusnya...

Harusnya Donghyun tidak melihat Jaehyun dan Jibeom di depan pintu rumahnya. Harusnya Donghyun tidak berada dalam pelukan Jaehyun. Harusnya Donghyun dan Jaehyun tidak menangis sekarang. Harusnya Donghyun tidak melihat tatapan sendu Jibeom.

Donghyun semakin terisak. Brengsek. Hong Joochan brengsek. Dari sekian banyak cara yang bisa dia lakukan untuk menyakiti Donghyun, kenapa harus cara ini yang dia ambil? Kenapa dia harus menghilangkan dirinya sendiri selamanya, disaat Donghyun memberikan kabar bahagia buat mereka berdua?

Meskipun Donghyun menangis semalaman, malam itu, keesokan hari, seminggu ke depan, dan selamanya, Joochan tidak pulang ke rumah mereka. Hong Joochan memang brengsek.

**;**

Bulan ke-enam.

Donghyun mengambil sebuah sweater rajut berwarna merah dan memakainya. Milik Joochan. Enam bulan ini Donghyun harus puas dengan "bau Joochan". Bau ini menenangkannya, tapi juga membuatnya terlarut dalam memori hingga ia menangis lagi. Seperti sweater yang Donghyun pakai sekarang. Hadiah natal Donghyun untuk Joochan pada tahun hubungan mereka yang ke-empat.

Itu ingatan yang baik... Tapi air mata Donghyun mengalir. Dia tidak terlalu terisak seperti bulan-bulan sebelumnya, itu kemajuan. Paling tidak rasanya tidak seburuk itu lagi. Donghyun tidak melupakannya— _dia tidak akan bisa melupakannya_ —dia mulai merelakannya. Sudah setengah tahun, dia juga perlu _p_ _ergi_ dengan tenang.

Mungkin kalau dia menangis lagi, Jaehyun bisa benar-benar akan membeli rumah disebelahnya. Dia sudah menginap disini dua bulan pertama, menunjunginya setiap hari sampai bulan kemarin, dan sekarang di bulan keenam, Jaehyun mengunjunginya sesering mungkin.

("Jaehyun-ah, tidak perlu datang setiap hari. Aku sudah ti—lumayan tidak menangis. Memangnya kau tidak punya rumah sendiri!?" Ujarnya jengkel.

"Tidak punya. Aku menumpang di rumah Jibeomie. Ah, mungkin aku harus membeli rumah sebelah. Jadi kita bisa bertemu setiap hari. Bukankah itu ide bagus?" Jaehyun menatapnya dengan binar mata antusias.

"Itu pilihanmu," kata Jibeom sambil mengusak rambut Jaehyun.

"YA! AKU SUDAH LELAH MELIHATMU SELAMA ENAM BELAS TAHUN HIDUPKU BONG JAEHYUN! DAN JANGAN BERMESRAAN DI DEPANKU! KALIAN PASANGAN TIDAK BERPERASAAN!")

Jibeom-Jaehyun adalah sahabat yang baik. Mereka sengaja bertingkah menyebalkan supaya Donghyun memarahi mereka dan lupa akan tangisannya. Donghyun menghargai itu. Bersama mereka berhasil membuat ia perlahan-lahan melepaskan Joochan. Mereka juga membantunya dengan berbagai hal. Hal-hal yang dia lakukan dengan Joochan.

Mereka sudah menikah, kalau kau mau tahu. Jaehyun bahkan memilih tidak menlanjutkan kontrak kerjanya dan memutuskan untuk _freelance_ karena Donghyun. Jibeom memang tidak datang sesering Jaehyun karena dia masih bekerja setiap hari, tapi dia selalu menyempatkan dirinya.

Donghyun kadang merasa mereka terlalu baik. Tapi seperti katanya tadi, mereka sudah berteman enam belas tahun. Jaehyun mengerti dirinya terlalu baik. Ia terlalu mengerti kalau Joochan dan eksistensinya penting bagi Donghyun. Terlalu mengerti bagaimana krusialnya seorang Hong Joochan.

Ah, _dia_ bergerak setiap kali Donghyun mengingat atau menyebutkan Joochan. _Kamu merindukannya juga kan?_

**;**

Donghyun bertemu dengannya pada waktu salju turun. Siang itu dingin, semakin dingin lagi dengan salju yang turun memenuhi jalan. Suasananya tidak begitu bersahabat. Bukan kesukaan Donghyun.

Donghyun baru saja tiba-tiba di pemberhentian bus saat laki-laki itu turun. Mereka bertatapan sebentar lalu laki-laki itu tersenyum kepadanya. Donghyun mengagumi bagaimana laki-laki itu tersenyum. Dia terlihat tulus, kalau Donghyun boleh bilang.

Laki-laki itu rupanya melihat bagaimana Donghyun kedinginan, dan ia tergerak melihat keadaan Donghyun. Laki-laki itu melepaskan syalnya dan memakaikannya pada Donghyun yang termenung. "Kau terlihat kedinginan, pakai saja." Lalu berjalan menerobos salju yang turun.

"Hei!" Donghyun berteriak. "Bagaimana aku mengembalikannya!?"

Dia berbalik, "Entahlah, pakai saja! Kita bisa bertemu lagi lain kali!" Lalu berjalan lagi dengan cepat.

Donghyun tidak yakin dia pernah mengembalikan syal Joochan.

**;**

Bulan ke sembilan.

Bulan ini Jaehyun mewanti-wanti dirinya soal berbagai hal. Dia melarang Donghyun melakukan ini dan itu. Jangan memasak, jangan berjalan jauh, jangan berdiri terlalu lama, beserta serangkaian "jangan" lainnya. Bla bla bla.

Donghyun masih menangis— _sering_. Apalagi tubuhnya sering sakit di malam hari. Matanya sudah tidak bengkak karena menangis terus, tapi malah muncul lingkaran hitam dibawah mata karena kurang tidur. Bukan salahnya dia tidak bisa tidur. Sulit baginya untuk tidur dalam keadaan yang begini.

Karena hal itu, Jaehyun jadi memantapkan hati kalau dia harus membeli rumah sebelah untuk dia tempati. Dia tidak akan tinggal disitu selamanya, percaya saja. Rumah utamanya tetap saja rumah Jibeom yang katanya dia _menumpang_ disana.

Dasar orang kaya. Membeli rumah mungkin hanya terasa seperti membeli peralatan elektronik saja buatnya.

Tidak dipungkiri Donghyun berterimakasih. Tapi kadang melihat Jibeom dan Jaehyun membuatnya iri. Dulu posisi mereka adalah posisinya dan Joochan, sementara Jaehyun menjadi Donghyun yang lelah melihat _lovey dovey_ temannya. Tapi sekarang... Rasanya deja vu. Seolah-olah dia pernah mengalaminya.

 _Sakit lagi_.

Donghyun meremat tangannya. Ia mencoba bernafas dengan tenang, satu stress dan dirinya bisa _tamat. B_ _ukan hanya dirinya_ , Donghyun mengingatkan kepalanya sendiri.

Menarik nafas perlahan, lalu menghembuskannya. Rasa nyeri menjalar ke seluruh tubuh. Terasa kencang beberapa saat, lalu mulai rileks lagi. Mungkin kram lagi. Tidak nyaman, tapi Donghyun harus bergerak sedikit untuk meredakan rasa sakitnya. Dia bangkit dari posisi tidurnya, lalu bertumpu pada nakas untuk membantunya berdiri. Uh, kadang Donghyun merasa dia membawa bom waktu.

Sambil berjalan memutar di dalam kamar, Donghyun mulai berpikir. Apa yang akan dia lakukan ke depannya, masa depannya yang sempat "tergantung" akan dia lanjutkan sendirian. Mungkin sulit pada awalnya, lalu dia akan terbiasa kan?

Donghyun melipat kedua tangannya lalu berjalan ke arah lain untuk kembali ke atas kasur, mulai merasa lelah. Dia kembali merebahkan dirinya. Dia berhenti bergerak beberapa saat, sebelum perutnya terasa nyeri lagi. Kali ini agak intens. Rasa sakitnya cukup tajam, cukup tersebar, dan membuat tubuhnya terasa tidak nyaman. Oh, mulai sakit, tapi bisa ditahan.

Donghyun hanya diam saja menahan rasanya, sebelum Jaehyun masuk ke dalam kamar membawa makan siang dan berteriak: "YAH, KIM DONGHYUN! KAU—KAU-"

Donghyun rasa Jaehyun tidak perlu begitu heboh mempermasalahkannya.

;

Bulan ke dua belas.

Donghyun berdiri di depan sebuah lemari besar berisi banyak wadah guci. Dia disini, di _rumah_ Joochan yang baru. _Columbarium._ 지하 유골 안치소. Siapa yang bisa menyangka Donghyun harus berdiri di depan abu suaminya sendiri pada usia pernikahan dua tahun tiga bulan.

"Joochanie, halo," Donghyun bergumam pelan. "Sudah satu tahun kamu pergi... Kamu baik-baik saja kan disana? Aku baik disini, rasanya kadang masih menyakitkan, tapi Dongjoo membuatku sibuk— haha, dia aktif, mirip dirimu. Jaehyun dan Jibeom banyak membantuku. Jaehyun bahkan mengundurkan rencananya untuk punya anak. Dongjoo sudah tiga bulan, dia sering mengoceh mengikutiku. Dia banyak tersenyum, dan sudah bisa mengangkat kepalanya— dia mirip sekali denganmu, Joochanie.

"Dongjoo sudah banyak meraba-raba benda di sekitarnya. Ah, dia mirip aku dengan tingkahmu. Kau tidak ingin melihatnya? Chan— a-aku merindukanmu- uh," Donghyun mulai terisak. Dia menutup mulutnya dengan sebelah tangan lalu meletakkan tangannya pada kaca yang membatasinya dengan guci berisi abu Joochan. Ada foto pernikahan mereka di sana, dan sudah ada foto baru; foto Donghyun pada kelahiran Dongjoo dan foto terbaru Dongjoo.

"Hong Joochan, kenapa kenapa kamu pergi setelah aku mengatakan kita akan memiliki Dongjoo? Yah, apa kamu sangat membencinya? Tapi kamu yang memberikan dia nama— kamu yang memintanya agar dinamakan Dongjoo... Jahat, Hong Joochan kenapa kamu jahat sekali padaku?

"Kamu tahu aku sangat menantikan Dongjoo lalu—lalu, kamu pergi- harusnya aku menahanmu untuk tidak pergi— tapi aku mengijinkanmu pergi... Dan kamu tidak pernah kembali. Yang datang Jaehyun dan Jibeom. Jaehyun banyak menangis, Jibeom bilang dia terlihat seperti disengat tawon. Matanya bengkak— aku iri, Joochan-ah.

"Mereka tidak saling menyayangi dan hanya menikah karena paksaan pada awalnya, lalu mereka bahagia... Aku menikah denan pria yang kusayangi lalu dia lenyap. Chanie, aku memimpikanmu terus. Melihat Dongjoo sangat mengingatkanku padamu. Ini menyakitkan—"

Donghyun sudah berjanji untuk tidak mengangis sendirian lagi pada Jaehyun, tapi dia mengingkari janjinya sendiri.

Hari itu, Donghyun tahu langit terlihat lebih gelap dan udara terasa lebih dingin.

;

"Dongjoo-ya, ini papa." Donghyun memposisikan Dongjoo untuk melihat ke arah guci abu di depan mereka. Anak laki-laki dalam gendongannya itu mengoceh dalam bahasanya sendiri sambil menunjuk ke arah foto pernikahan Joochan dan Donghyun. "Dongjoo, merindukan papa, ya? Mama juga."

"Dia pilot, lucunya dia tidak _pergi_ karena kecelakaan pesawat. Dia pergi karena penembakan liar. Dari semua orang di seluruh Seoul, dia jadi salah satu korban. Waktu itu kamu masih satu bulan disini." Donghyun mengusap perutnya. Dongjoo seolah mengerti, dia berbalik ke arah Donghyun, lalu menepuk-nepuk pipi Donghyun yang mulai basah karena air mata.

Dia mengoceh lagi, mungkin mengatakan supaya Donghyun jangan menangis. Donghyun tertawa. Dia mengusap air mata lalu mengusakkan pipinya dengan pipi Dongjoo. Donghyun rasa dia menghabiskan beberapa lama di sana sebelum keluar dari sana. Dalam keadaan lebih bahagia, tentunya.

* * *

JH, JB, DH, JC (31)

Marriage day: 27/5/2028  
D's first time knowing: third week of August 2029  
J's first time knowing: fourth week of August 2029  
His death: 30/8/2029  
Baby's birthday: 3/6/2030

* * *

**_Omake_ **

Donghyun berjalan keluar dari rumah abu sambil tertawa dengan Dongjoo yang mulai bertingkah, tidak memperhatikan ke depan. Tanpa sadar, Donghyun menabrak seseorang yang baru saja mau memasuki rumah abu itu. "Ah, maaf."

Tabrakannya cukup keras untuk membuat barang-barang laki-laki itu terjatuh, tapi Dongjoo tidak terkena sama sekali, untungnya. Donghyun hendak berjongkok untuk membantu laki-laki itu mengambil barang-barang, tapi sebuah tangan menahan pergerakannya. "Tidak perlu. Kau membawa bayi." Dia mengambil sendiri barangnya lalu masuk ke dalam rumah abu itu.

Donghyun baru saja mau berjalan lagi ketika dia menyadari sapu tangan milik pria itu tertinggal. Dia mengambilnya lalu melihat jahitan pada ujung sapu tangan itu. "Choi. Bo. Min."

* * *


	2. English.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive any grammatical errors and I might've made some strange sentences... Sorry.

Today is not a good day. Donghyun found himself waking up _again_ with swollen eyes, trails of tears running down his cheeks. _It's been four months, huh..._ Four months that felt like death for Donghyun. His wound should be dry, but it's getting worsen. It felt like his body's tissues refused to close the wound that had opened too wide. Donghyun might need a _stitch_. A little thread to cover the broken part.  
  
Should be... This shouldn't be the end of the story. The climax of the story that he may have longed for will never come to pass and the final chapter is written with grief and tears.  
  
People tend to feel the complete world misery as time goes by, but Donghyun felt he had tasted all the bitter, unpleasant water he had to drink.  
  
Kim, ah— Hong Donghyun, at the age of five months of marriage, had to let his partner _go_.  
  
Donghyun hugged himself. Everything felt blurry lately. His daily activities are just routine for him. Bland, Donghyun no longer does everything with enthusiasm. The more awake time he spends, the more his recollections seem to remember every memory he has ever gone through.  
  
Thinking about _him_ again made his heart aches. Donghyun moved to pull himself from the bed into the bathroom. He didn't want to move but had to force himself to move. Staying still will drown him in sorrow. Donghyun, want it or not, has to keep going. He needed to _move_. Move on, Jaehyun said.  
  
Dammit.

**;**

The sky was cloudy and dark. With the room lights dim, Donghyun waited, waiting. He will come home. It should be. Donghyun kept the letter on the nightstand, where he usually put his things.  
  
Donghyun looked out the window. Empty and lonely. It was getting late, but he didn't come back either. Suddenly he started to feel bad. Something happens. _What if something happened?_ His stomach churned. Donghyun unintentionally started crying. The clouds were gray overcast, describing the state of his heart.  
  
He cried for a while before he heard anything. A glimmer of hope for him. _He's home, right?_ Donghyun ran out of the room and saw clearly. The door to the house opened, and it was him. Him he was waiting for.  
  
Without a doubt, he threw himself into a hug. "You—" Donghyun muttered amidst his sobs.  
  
"Donghyunie, Donghyunie." Said the others while kissing the top of his head. Donghyun cried even louder. His tears flowed profusely, accompanying the hug that got tighter. Donghyun raised his head and took him in a gentle kiss. He puts his hands around his partner's shoulders, weighting his _all_ entirely to the other guy.  
  
Donghyun didn't want to let go— he didn't want to. Even if someone forced him, Donghyun wouldn't let go.  
  
But he was snatched away from Donghyun. There's not even a goodbye.

**;**

He should come home. He should be with him at home. Donghyun should be able to hug him all the time. Donghyun should be able to enjoy the moment that has been waiting for a long time. Donghyun should be able to enjoy his time with him even longer. He should...  
  
Donghyun shouldn't have seen Jaehyun and Jibeom at his doorstep. Donghyun shouldn't be in Jaehyun's arms. Donghyun and Jaehyun shouldn't be crying now. Donghyun shouldn't have seen Jibeom's sad gaze.  
  
Donghyun sobbed even more. Dammit. Hong Joochan, you jerk. Of the many ways he can do to hurt Donghyun, why should he take this way? Why does he have to lose, remove himself forever, when Donghyun gave happy news for both of them?  
  
Even though Donghyun cried all night, that night, the next day, next week, and forever, Joochan didn't come home to them. Hong Joochan is such a jerk.

**;**

Sixth month.  
  
Donghyun took a red knit sweater and put it on. Joochan's. These six months Donghyun had to settle for "Joochan smell". This smell soothed him, but it also made him lose his mind until he cried again. Like the sweater, Donghyun is wearing now. Donghyun's Christmas gift to Joochan in their fourth year of relationship.  
  
It's a good memory... But Donghyun's tears flowed. He didn't sob as much as in the previous months, that was progress. At least it doesn't feel that bad anymore. Donghyun didn't forget him — _he won't be able to forget him_ — he just started to let him go. It's been half a year, he also needs to _go_ serenely.  
  
Maybe if he cried again, Jaehyun could actually buy the house next to him. He has been staying here the first two months, visiting him every day until last month, and now in the sixth month, Jaehyun visits him as often as possible.  
  
("Jaehyun-ah, there's no need to come every day. I'm already — not quite crying. Don't you have your own house!?" He said irritably.  
  
"Nope. I stayed at Jibeomie's house. Ah, maybe I should buy the house next door. So we can meet every day. Isn't that a good idea?" Jaehyun looked at him with enthusiastic eyes.  
  
"It's your choice," said Jibeom while ruffling Jaehyun's hair.  
  
"YES! I HAVE BEEN TIRED SEEING YOU FOR MY SIXTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE BONG JAEHYUN! AND DON'T DO INTIMATE THINGS INFRONT OF ME! YOU GUYS ARE A HEARTLESS COUPLE!")  
  
Jibeom-Jaehyun is a good friend. They purposely acted annoying so that Donghyun scolded them and forgot about his crying. Donghyun appreciated that. Together they managed to make him slowly let go of Joochan. They also helped him with various things. The things he does with Joochan.  
  
They're married if you want to know. Jaehyun even chose not to continue his work contract and decided to freelance because of Donghyun. Jibeom doesn't come as often as Jaehyun because he still works every day, but he always makes time.  
  
Donghyun sometimes feels they are too kind. But as he said earlier, they have been friends for sixteen years. Jaehyun understands himself too well. He understood too much that Joochan and his existence were important to Donghyun. Understanding too much how crucial a Hong Joochan is.  
  
Ah, he moves every time Donghyun remembers or mentions Joochan. _You miss him too right?_

**;**

Donghyun met him when it was snowing. The afternoon was cold, getting colder again with the falling snow filling the road. The atmosphere is not very friendly. Not Donghyun's favorite.  
  
Donghyun was just suddenly at the bus stop when the boy got off. They exchanged glances for a while then the boy smiled at him. Donghyun admired how the boy smiled. He looks sincere if Donghyun can say.  
  
The man apparently saw how Donghyun was cold, and he was moved to see Donghyun's condition. The man took off his scarf and put it on the pensive Donghyun. "You look cold, just put it on." Then walk through the falling snow.  
  
"Hey!" Donghyun shouted. "How do I return it!?"  
  
He turned around, "I don't know, just put it on! We can meet again next time!" Then walk again quickly.  
  
Donghyun wasn't sure if he ever returned Joochan's scarf.

**;**

The ninth month.  
  
This month Jaehyun warned him about various things. He forbade Donghyun to do this and that. Don't cook, don't walk far, don't stand too long, along with a series of other "don'ts." Blah blah blah.  
  
Donghyun still cries — _often_. Moreover, his body often hurts at night. His eyes weren't swollen from crying all the time, but instead, dark circles appeared under his eyes from lack of sleep. It's not his fault that he can't sleep. It's hard for him to sleep in this state.  
  
Because of that, Jaehyun made up his mind that he had to buy the house next door for him to live in. He won't stay there forever, just believe Donghyun. His main house is still Jibeom's house which he said he was _staying_ with.  
  
Ugh, rich man. Buying a house may just feel like buying electronic equipment for him.  
  
It is undeniable that Donghyun is grateful. But sometimes seeing Jibeom and Jaehyun made him jealous. Previously their position was his position and Joochan, while Jaehyun became Donghyun who was tired of seeing his friend's lovey-dovey. But now... It's deja vu. It was as if he had experienced it.  
  
 _It aches again._  
  
Donghyun squeezed his hand. He tries to breathe calmly, one stress and he could be done. Not only himself, Donghyun reminded his own head.  
  
Inhale slowly, then exhale. The pain radiates throughout the body. Feels tight for a moment, then it starts to relax again. Maybe another cramp. It was uncomfortable, but Donghyun had to move a little to ease the pain. He got up from his sleeping position, then leaned on the nightstand to help him up. Uh, sometimes Donghyun feels like he's carrying a ticking time bomb.  
  
While walking around in the room, Donghyun started to think. What will he do in the future, his future which was "hanged" will be continued by him alone. It might be difficult at first, then he will get used to it right?  
  
Donghyun folded his arms and walked in another direction to get back on the bed, starting to feel tired. He lay down again. He stopped moving for a moment before his stomach ached again. This time it's a bit intense. The pain was sharp, quite diffuse, and made his body feel uncomfortable. Oh, it's starting to hurt, but it's bearable.  
  
Donghyun was silently holding back the feel before Jaehyun came into the room carrying his lunch and shouted: "YAH, KIM DONGHYUN! YOU— YOU-"  
  
Donghyun thinks Jaehyun doesn't need to make a fuss about it.

**;**

Twelfth month.  
  
Donghyun stood in front of a large cupboard filled with many jars. He's here at Joochan's new house. Columbarium. 지하 유골 안치소. Who could have thought that Donghyun had to stand in front of the ashes of his own husband at the age of two years and three months of marriage?  
  
"Joochanie, hello," Donghyun muttered softly. "It's been one year you've been gone... Are you okay there? I'm good here, it still hurts sometimes, but Dongjoo keeps me busy— haha, he's active, just like you. Jaehyun and Jibeom helped me a lot. Jaehyun even pushed back his plan to have children. Dongjoo is three months now, he often babbles following me. He smiles a lot and he's already able to lift his head— he looks like you a lot, Joochanie.  
  
"Dongjoo has been fumbling around a lot of objects around him. Ah, he looks like me with your behavior. Don't you want to see him? Chan— I-I miss you- uh," Donghyun started to sob. He covered his mouth with one hand and then put his hand on the glass that separates him from the jar filled with Joochan's ashes. There's their wedding photo there, and there are new ones already; Donghyun's photo at Dongjoo's birth and Dongjoo's latest photo.  
  
"Hong Joochan, why did you leave after I said we were going to have Dongjoo? Ya, do you really hate him? But you gave him the name— you asked him to be called Dongjoo... Mean, Hong Joochan why are you so mean to me?  
  
"You know I was really looking forward to Dongjoo then— then, you left- I should have kept you from going—but I let you go... And you never came back. The ones coming were Jaehyun and Jibeom. Jaehyun cried a lot, Jibeom said he looked like he was stung by wasps. His eyes are swollen— I'm jealous, Joochan-ah.  
  
"They didn't love each other and only married because of arrangement at first, then they were happy... I married a man I loved and then he disappeared. Chanie, I dreamed of you all the time. Seeing Dongjoo reminds me of you so much. It hurts—"  
  
Donghyun had promised not to cry alone anymore to Jaehyun, but he broke his own promise.  
  
That day, Donghyun knew the sky looked darker and the air felt colder.

**;**

"Dongjoo-ya, this is Daddy." Donghyun positioned Dongjoo to look at the ash jar in front of them. The boy in his arms chattered in his own language while pointing at Joochan and Donghyun's wedding photo. "Dongjoo, miss daddy, huh? Mommy too."  
  
"He's a pilot, the ironic thing is he didn't go because of a plane crash. He was gone because of a mass shooting. Of all the people all over Seoul, he was one of the victims. At that time you were a month here." Donghyun rubbed his stomach. Dongjoo seemed to understand, he turned towards Donghyun, then patted Donghyun's cheeks which were getting wet with tears.  
  
He was babbling again, maybe telling Donghyun not to cry. Donghyun laughed. He wiped his tears then rubbed his cheeks with Dongjoo's cheeks. Donghyun thinks he spent a while there before leaving. In a happier state, of course.

* * *

JH, JB, DH, JC (31)  
  
Marriage day: 27/5/2028  
D's first time knowing: third week of August 2029  
J's first time knowing: fourth week of August 2029  
His death: 30/8/2029  
Baby's birthday: 3/6/2030

* * *

  
  
_**Omake** _

  
Donghyun walked out of the columbarium laughing with Dongjoo who started acting up, not paying attention to the front. Without realizing it, Donghyun bumped someone who was just about to enter the columbarium. "Ah, sorry."  
  
The impact was hard enough to knock the boy's things down, but Dongjoo wasn't hit at all, luckily. Donghyun was about to crouch down to help the boy pick up things, but a hand held his movement. "No need. You brought a baby." He took the items himself then went into the ashes house.  
  
Donghyun was about to walk again when he realized the man's handkerchief was left behind. He took it and looked at the stitches on the end of the handkerchief. "Choi. Bo. Min."

* * *


End file.
